Fear & Loading: Range Officer’s Guide to Zodiac Signs

What's your sign? See if you recognize yourself among these tips—compiled with tongue planted firmly in cheek—tailored for range safety officers based on the signs of the zodiac.

Aries—First to call a cease fire. They’re eager to lead the way, whether at the range, home, work or school. Rangemasters are well advised to place them in a middle lane, where other zodiac signs may shy from calling a cease fire. 

Taurus—Refuses to surrender, even when it’s tough to figure out what’s going with their groups. Others dismiss it as a fluke, but these folks stick around until it’s sorted out. They’re best suited for middle lanes, where the constant fire encourages others to drain their ammo supply. 

Gemini—Talks to people on adjacent lanes like they’re an old friend every time the range goes cold, even though the pair didn’t meet before the clubhouse or check-in counter. A lot of energy is invested in their outgoing nature, so outside lane placement is the current strategy, thereby reducing the chances they’ll be adjacent to chatterless-preferring Virgos.  

Cancer—Displays an unusual and sincere empathy when fellow shooters encounter a problem. Ideally assigned adjacent to any Taurus or Scorpio, since both may need an understanding shoulder to cry on later in the day.

Leo—Loves the latest and greatest, ready to show it off and eager to bask in the resulting rangeside glory. Best identified at the check-in counter when someone volunteers first to complete paperwork. Should the range have an ammo surplus, place adjacent to the firing line of an eager-to-compete-for-attention Aquarius. 

Virgo—Eagerly volunteers if the facility has a private range or lane. Placed in a more public setting their studious and quiet nature is often misconstrued as elitist or standoffish. Side lane is ideal, but next to any identified Sagittarians, who’re easy going enough to not even care, works well. 

Libra—Standard operation procedure dictates closest to a rangemaster’s station. They’ll get you coffee, police spent brass and, if you’re lucky, complement your wardrobe during cease fires. The sport needs more Libras. 

Scorpio—Intense, competitive and when things go wrong, moody enough to even bring Libras down. Proximity to a caring-in-nature Cancer is a good combination. 

Sagittarius—Easygoing and laid-back, they’re ideally placed next to Virgo, who probably wanted an empty range. Most Sagittarians have made a science of avoiding undue blood pressure increases and have learned not to misread the quiet observation.

Capricorn—An eagerness to say it like it is means placing members of this zodiac group close to Scorpios should be minimized. A firing line next to an attention-seeking Taurus, however, often makes their resulting conversation and one-upmanship more entertaining than reality TV.  

Aquarius—Anyone with a neon-green firearm, paisley shirt and matching eye protection is probably part of this group, although this age offers more standard and exotic gear guaranteed to stand out from the crowd just as well. A firing line next to a Leo is guaranteed to cure “slow range day” blues. 

Pisces—Easily identified by the spontaneous and imaginative joke delivered as gear is unpacked. For safety sake, temporarily reign in the creativity by placing them near an Aries. 

Additional Reading:
Sign of the Times: Your Gun Horoscope