Aires—Fire sign that sees something they want and goes for it. That’s the new Ruger Precision Rifle, of course. You’ve already called FFLs in your area, across the state and every adjoining state. You have Ruger on your speed dial, two dealers are now blocking your hourly calls and there’s no way you’re going to be the second person at the range with one.
Taurus—Earth sign renowned for stability, reliability and dependability. There’s nothing like adding another Remington 700 to your gun safe, and with so many chamberings and models in synthetic furniture (it’s that stability thing) from which to choose, we’re betting you have at least six in 30-’06 and five in .308 Win. What are you thinking? Add another in the latter chambering to balance things and set your safe’s ch’i back to normal.
Gemini—Lively air sign that is youthful at heart and strives to make everyone happy. The SIG Sauer MPX is on your short list. This cardiac fountain of youth matches your passion for all things fun, and you’ve squirreled away a generous supply of 9 mm ball ammo so your friends can savor some trigger time (Warning: AR-15 handgun operation can be addictive, enjoy responsibly, consult your nearest FFL prior to taking out a second mortgage to purchase ammo and for smiles lasting in excess of 12 hours, seek immediate orthodontic help).
Cancer—Water sign who loves home and family and considers safety foremost. Nothing says, “no criminals touch my loved ones” quite like a Mossberg shotgun. You’re probably eyeing a Model 500, because its timeless and proven design has guarded many a six. Regardless of its abuse, it continues to perform dutifully, reliably, and without hesitation. If that doesn’t sound like family, we don’t know what does.
Leo—Fire sign with a flair for the flamboyant who basks in the limelight. Kimber’s your choice, and with BBQ season winding down, it’s time to doll up that outfit with a Kimber Stainless II—Classic Engraved Edition, of course. It’s guaranteed to draw more longing stares and less Vulcan death grips than Kim Kardashian would at Comic-Con, taking selfies.
Virgo—Earth sign who plans carefully, is always dependable and remains calm. You’ve already figured out precisely where you’re going to hang a SureFire weaponlight on your new Savage Arms 110 BA and appreciate the engineering and design work that went into the beast. Admit it, the rifle is a feast for your Zodiak sign’s eyes and, besides, that AccuTrigger and bolt-action have the kind of reliability required on those occasions when you need to keep a Legion of zombies 1,000 yards distant, on Christmas Eve.
Libra—Air sign with an overwhelming sense of what is right and wrong. Everything is black and white for you, which makes the Bond Arms USA Defender first on your wish list. It’s as short as the time required for you to deliberate on a person’s karma and comes straight to the point in a potentially deadly criminal encounter.
Scorpio—Water sign that’s strong willed with the tact of an Abrams tank. Nothing, absolutely nothing, says Scorpio quite like a Barrett M107A1. No matter how distant the conversation, you’re going to punch that message through, loud and clear, and enjoy frightening everyone nearby when doing so.
Sagittarius—Free-spirited fire sign that’s straightforwardness is trumped only by an inquisitive nature. The new Springfield XD Mod.2 Series has piqued your curiosity and you appreciate that the 3-inch subcompact model in .40 S&W doesn’t camouflage its self-defense mission. But, the claims of improved comfort level have your palms itching to find out for yourself, and you’re going to stop the itch by adopting one soon. You’re also going to nickname her Maudie and Toronto is going to win the World Series.
Capricorn—Earth sign with a hard-earned reputation for being calm, cool and self-disciplined. You haven’t missed a beat for years and, like the reliable Henry Steel Big Boy .44, always keep running in the toughest conditions. All your friends know the only thing more buttery smooth than this lever-action is you under stress, so you might as well make them doubly envious by claiming the second-place finisher for yourself.
Aquarius—The air sign is an idealist, but at birth was presented a life subscription to Unconventional Thinking magazine. That has driven you to Heizer Defense’s PAR1. Seriously, a single-shot, .223 Rem.-chambered handgun for self-defense with a name translated in golfspeak pretty much alludes to a hole in one. That’s idealist, but you have to appreciate the out-of-the-box thinking—whether inadvertent or deliberate.
Pisces—Water sign that’s patient, perceptive and spiritual. You’re torn between a couple self-defense handguns, but recently made the conversion to the Ruger LCR in .22 WMR. We must confess, previous versions in .38 Spl., .357 Mag. and , .22 LR have performed so flawlessly that the revolver has attracted a faithful following, and when it comes to self-defense, that extra round could be a real blessing.