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Is the Earth Blocking Your View?

Is the Earth Blocking Your View?

Two artifacts recovered from a FBI crime scene investigation conducted at a well-known movie studio in Los Angeles found their way to a curios-and-relics auction house. NRA Museum staff was consulted for confirmation of make, model, origin and value of aforementioned artifacts.

The first artifact can only be described as mysterious. Looking much like a giant planet-seeking telescope, it appears to be armed and fired by the use of a simple fuze—a squib-like explosive device. Although it is fitted with a barrel 90 feet long, it weighs next to nothing—a fulsome determination of the metal used in its manufacture has thus far been elusive (but is believed to be the rare-earth element Unobtainium). The barrel bore measures 44 centimeters, a previously unknown, but very large caliber (17.32283464 inches). The barrel is currently stored in a local warehouse due to space limitations at Headquarters.

The firearm is believed to have a maximum range of more than 500,000 kilometers (that’s around 310,685.596 miles in U.S. measurements), and was found in a fixed position oriented on an azimuth of 184 degrees, and an alarm clock nearby was set for 4/1/19 @10:43am. Assuming there was no correction required for the Coriolis Effect, the intended target appeared to have been planet Earth.

Although several persons associated with the investigation expressed empathy with the choice of target, they were concerned about the possible collateral damage that might result. A scrap of a warning notice found nearby contained only the words “earth shattering kaboom.” The meaning of the label is unclear.

The artifact was completely unmarked except for the squib (inscribed PU-36). Its origin, identification and purpose remains unknown.

The second piece is clearly identifiable as a pistol, although it is again unclear how it exactly functions. The barrel assembly is finned, not unlike that of the Czech ZB26 machine gun. Disassembly is accomplished by removing two unusual lock bolts from the hand grip, whereupon a two-segment barrel, one section marked “modulator,” can be removed. An apparent noise suppressor is mounted on the front of the barrel with an integral titanium muzzle. It contains a rechargeable battery pack (again marked PU-36) at the rear of the frame that is held in place by a circular cap. There is a simple trigger assembly but no a safety. The frame appears to be marked “ACME” and a very small safety sticker that warns: “Use only on EARTH Creatures.”


It was found under a verdigris-colored brass helmet on the movie set. The helmet may have been a studio prop as it is similar to the headgear worn by the mythological being—Mars, God of War. The weapon itself was discovered partially hidden in a pile of carbonized organic matter.

A poor-quality voice recording subsequently discovered on the movie set sound system and was forensically examined by CSI Burbank. The only audible words recorded were heavily accented, but with extensive sound lab processing appear to be: “Oh dear, I got the silly thing in reverse. Being disintegrated makes me very, very angry indeed!”

An even poorer quality security camera video seems to show a very short person wearing a push-broom plumed hat pointing what may be the weapon at a large angry Anatidae, possibly of the anas rubripes variety. Identification of the short person was not possible due to the degraded video. The investigators have not located the duck.

Investigators surmised there may have been an accidental discharge.

Curiously, a stump of a gnawed carrot was also found on the scene. Its significance is unclear.

The museum staff has identified one possible manufacturer named “ACME.” It is a retail mail-order distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware. It has many products listed in its “Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue” but neither of the two items described above are depicted. 

Any information that might assist the NRA Museum staff with the identification of these artifacts would be greatly appreciated.

 

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